Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
