zippers are such a cool invention
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
