I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
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woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
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It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.