im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
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...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
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Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila