I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Terrible idea I love it
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome