forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
