and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
