We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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