I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
