Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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