If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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