if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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