I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
