did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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