I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
