On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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