I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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