We tried having a conversation with our noses.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
