I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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