okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
