Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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