i robbed the continental breakfast last night
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
