And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
