I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
