Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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