Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
