On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
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She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
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Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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