remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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