I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
