My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
