i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
