everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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