he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
