oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
