Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
