I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
