She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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