these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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