It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
