If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
