Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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