cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
