come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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