I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
