Cold hands, warm shart.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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