I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
