So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
