You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
