he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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