yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Randomize
