I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
