dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Randomize
