All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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