She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
