ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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