That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
