I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
