You're completely useless in the revolution.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
They have beer where we have blood.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
