y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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