I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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