But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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